Warning: This post is just my expression of feeling, might not be beneficial for you, so if you hate reading things like this, might be worth to save the time..
It's been a while since i write.. need some getaway from everything...
the truth is, everything has been jumbled-up, topsy turvy that I can't even begin to straighten it up.. Don't know where to begin..
I once think about this, Allah will give you test where you can actually endure, and somebody once told me, that He will call you to Him at your best state, where if He lets you a lil' while longer wandering around in this world, you might become more astray from Him.. and if that's the case, then why is it that I think I am getting worse and even far away from Him day by day??
I can't stop thinking of that, ever since I was out of college life... Can't get that question out of my head..
Now I think I might know why.. After being struck by something I can't imagine, something I can't seems to accept up until now, I think i know why.. Every single things that had happened to me was to test what I have been saying all this time.. Yes, I might had felt that I believe strongly to every single principles in Islam; the concept of tawakkal, the concept of Him decides, and many more concepts that every single time, I would be mentioning to someone, or even to myself.. and to be honest, me myself believe that I believe in those with all my heart..sound confusing? well, it does isn't it.. I believe it myself.. but now, being in a big mess like this, i starts to wonder, did I really believe that everything happens for a reason, and that everything has it's silver lining? or am I doubting that? Who am I blaming when I can't seems to accept it? Was is me? or not?
Still in a state of trying to accept it, but then, patience is at the 1st blow; (Riyadhus Salihin, Chapter 3: Patience), so I don't know where that puts me..
Well, I don't think my babbling did answered my question up there,did it? but ,what i think of the question was, what i come up with that can be accepted by my mind was, when I first learnt all the concepts, I believed in them, or so I thought. But believing is the easy thing to do.. putting them into practicality was the hard part.. Yes, I might had known the concepts for ages, for maybe, as long as I breathe in this world, but then, having to hold on to it while something went wrong or not as you expected to be was the tricky part.. and that was why Allah gave me all those things, things I called mess just now..Things I don't know how to straighten, how to sort out... Just to let me know, believing is just not enough when these are the things I need to practice in my whole life...things that are not supposed to be separated from me when,let say I am deciding what i want to do for the next 5 years of my life, as it might not come up as what I had planned..
And that was the best state for me when I say Islam is my Deen, I might think I am at the best state of my Iman back then when all I did was listen and believe, not even tested whether I firmly hold on to it when hardship come..and now, I know well whether I am just saying it, or believing it dearly that it becomes my action..
Well, enough babble for one entry.. Back to sorting things out..